~ Forgiving Ourselves, Forgiving Others ~
Forgiveness can’t be forced or willed but we can always have an intention to forgive.
Even if we aren’t ready to forgive someone in the present moment, we can always have an intention to forgive them in the future. And intention can be very powerful because it leads to a desire to understand the other person – what might have caused them to have been hurtful or harming, what their lives might be like, and how much we have in common with them. If we try to understand others in these ways, compassion naturally arises. And when intention, understanding and compassion are strong enough, forgiveness becomes easy and natural.
When it does come, forgiveness is like a weight being lifted from our shoulders. It’s a relief and a release. It lightens us up and frees us from the chains of the past. Forgiveness lets go of resentment, bitterness and anger. In this way, it benefits the forgiver at least as much as it benefits the forgiven. As some wise person said “Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. So forgiveness is understanding that we don’t need to drink poison any more.
That said, forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened. Rather, it is about being able to recall what happened without judgment, anger or blame. It lets go of the emotional storyline about who or what was right or wrong and accepts what happened. Similarly, forgiveness is not about denying, excusing or justifying the harm that was done.
It is a personal act that does not depend on the other person in any way. And it does not require an admission of guilt, a confession or an apology from the other person. Forgiveness is different from reconciliation because reconciliation requires mutual forgiveness and a shared willingness to be together.
In Buddhism, forgiveness involves forgiving ourselves for the harm we have caused to others, forgiving ourselves for all the harm we have done to ourselves, and forgiving others who have harmed us. I invite you to try this forgiveness practice:
First, saying silently to yourself “there are many ways I have hurt or harmed others. Betrayed or abandoned them. Out of my confusion, ignorance, anger, suffering and hurt. Knowingly or unknowingly. I remember them now.”
And letting yourself remember and feel the sorrows and sadness you carry from hurting or harming others. Then gently asking for forgiveness. Bowing inwardly to all those you have hurt or harmed and saying “In all the many ways I have harmed or hurt you, in all the ways I have betrayed or abandoned you out of my ignorance, pain, fear, anger, and hurt, I remember these now and I ask for your forgiveness.”
Then letting in, to the extent possible, feelings of forgiveness for yourself. Feeling others forgive you.
Second, saying to yourself, “Just as I have hurt and harmed others, so I have harmed myself, knowingly and unknowingly. Out of my confusion, pain, ignorance and anger, I have harmed or hurt myself in many ways. I remember them now.”
And letting yourself remember all the ways in which you have hurt or harmed yourself. And feeling the sorrows and sadness you carry from hurting or harming yourself.
And then offering yourself forgiveness. Perhaps saying to yourself “I forgive myself. For all the ways I am harmed or hurt myself. For whenever I have judged myself or criticized myself or been unkind to myself, I forgive myself.” And holding yourself with the tenderness and gentleness that you would hold a child.
Third, saying to yourself “Just as I have hurt and harmed others and myself, so have others harmed and hurt me. Knowingly and unknowingly. Out of their confusion, pain, ignorance and anger, others have harmed or hurt me.” And letting yourself remember how others have hurt or harmed you.
Then, sensing that you may be able to release this burden of pain by gradually extending your forgiveness to others, as your heart is ready, saying gently to yourself “I forgive you. I release you.” And feeling the relief that comes when forgiveness is possible. Sensing into the tenderness that emerges when forgiveness is present.
Finally, if you find it hard or impossible to forgive yourself or others, offering yourself kindness and compassion for being unable to forgive. Forgive yourself for not being able to forgive in this present moment and set an intention to do so at some time in the future.
Forgiveness requires courage so above all, be gentle with yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
When it does come, forgiveness is like a weight being lifted from our shoulders. It’s a relief and a release. It lightens us up and frees us from the chains of the past. Forgiveness lets go of resentment, bitterness and anger. In this way, it benefits the forgiver at least as much as it benefits the forgiven. As some wise person said “Resentment is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”. So forgiveness is understanding that we don’t need to drink poison any more.
That said, forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened. Rather, it is about being able to recall what happened without judgment, anger or blame. It lets go of the emotional storyline about who or what was right or wrong and accepts what happened. Similarly, forgiveness is not about denying, excusing or justifying the harm that was done.
It is a personal act that does not depend on the other person in any way. And it does not require an admission of guilt, a confession or an apology from the other person. Forgiveness is different from reconciliation because reconciliation requires mutual forgiveness and a shared willingness to be together.
In Buddhism, forgiveness involves forgiving ourselves for the harm we have caused to others, forgiving ourselves for all the harm we have done to ourselves, and forgiving others who have harmed us. I invite you to try this forgiveness practice:
First, saying silently to yourself “there are many ways I have hurt or harmed others. Betrayed or abandoned them. Out of my confusion, ignorance, anger, suffering and hurt. Knowingly or unknowingly. I remember them now.”
And letting yourself remember and feel the sorrows and sadness you carry from hurting or harming others. Then gently asking for forgiveness. Bowing inwardly to all those you have hurt or harmed and saying “In all the many ways I have harmed or hurt you, in all the ways I have betrayed or abandoned you out of my ignorance, pain, fear, anger, and hurt, I remember these now and I ask for your forgiveness.”
Then letting in, to the extent possible, feelings of forgiveness for yourself. Feeling others forgive you.
Second, saying to yourself, “Just as I have hurt and harmed others, so I have harmed myself, knowingly and unknowingly. Out of my confusion, pain, ignorance and anger, I have harmed or hurt myself in many ways. I remember them now.”
And letting yourself remember all the ways in which you have hurt or harmed yourself. And feeling the sorrows and sadness you carry from hurting or harming yourself.
And then offering yourself forgiveness. Perhaps saying to yourself “I forgive myself. For all the ways I am harmed or hurt myself. For whenever I have judged myself or criticized myself or been unkind to myself, I forgive myself.” And holding yourself with the tenderness and gentleness that you would hold a child.
Third, saying to yourself “Just as I have hurt and harmed others and myself, so have others harmed and hurt me. Knowingly and unknowingly. Out of their confusion, pain, ignorance and anger, others have harmed or hurt me.” And letting yourself remember how others have hurt or harmed you.
Then, sensing that you may be able to release this burden of pain by gradually extending your forgiveness to others, as your heart is ready, saying gently to yourself “I forgive you. I release you.” And feeling the relief that comes when forgiveness is possible. Sensing into the tenderness that emerges when forgiveness is present.
Finally, if you find it hard or impossible to forgive yourself or others, offering yourself kindness and compassion for being unable to forgive. Forgive yourself for not being able to forgive in this present moment and set an intention to do so at some time in the future.
Forgiveness requires courage so above all, be gentle with yourself. As Mahatma Gandhi said “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”