~ Befriending the Inner Judge ~
Many people, including me, have an inner judge that lives in our head, even if we aren’t aware of them. It's that internal voice that criticizes, blames and finds fault with what you or others say and do. It's the voice that says things like "You're not good enough" or "That was a stupid thing to say" or "I am better (or worse) than you".
There’s nothing inherently bad or wrong with judging. Indeed, it can be helpful in situations of extreme danger. From an evolutionary point of view, the ability to rapidly size up and evaluate a dangerous situation was definitely an advantage for early human beings. The problem is that this ancient conditioned response in our brains can get activated at inappropriate times.
Given its historical evolutionary advantage, it’s not surprising that the inner judge gets stronger whenever we feel stressed or under pressure. It’s harder to have an open, inquiring and loving mind when we feel afraid, isolated, tired or anxious. Our hearts and minds automatically contract and our focus narrows. The ability to see multiple perspectives diminishes, and we hunker down and just try to get through the situation by making quick, simple judgments.
The inner judge often works by creating dualisms. It establishes a simple standard and then applies it to make people or things good or bad, right or wrong, and so on. This internalized standard may have little or no relevance to what’s actually happening but we can believe that what the inner judge says is true. In this way, the inner judge separates and isolates us from others and from parts of ourselves. Moreover, if we try to get rid of or avoid the inner judge, chances are that it will just get stronger, so perhaps the best thing to do is to make friends with it.
A first step in befriending the inner judge is to recognize when the inner judge is active. And we can do this simply by noticing when there are judgments or strong opinions present in our minds – whether they are about ourselves or others. Judgments always have an emotional charge to them, even if it is small. So that’s one way of noticing them – the way they make us feel and the emotions associated with them.
A second step is to identify what feeds the inner judge. In other words, what creates it and sustains it. And if we look deeply, we’ll find that judgments are usually based on a core belief that we have created in our minds. Core beliefs are usually unconscious, but with practice we can uncover them. So whenever you notice yourself making a judgment, you can ask yourself “what is the core belief behind this judgment?” or “what am I believing about myself or others that leads me to make this judgment?”
A third step is to gently investigate the core beliefs you uncover. You can do this by gently asking yourself “Is this belief really true?” and if you find yourself saying “yes” then ask yourself “How do I know it is really true in all circumstances and at all times?” These are great questions because we can never know that our beliefs are always true.
Another way to investigate core beliefs is to investigate how they make you feel. How do they affect you emotionally and psychologically? How do your beliefs feel in your body? Do they make you happy or sad? Do they open your heart or constrict it? Do they lead to a sense of togetherness and kindness, or to a sense of isolation and separateness? When I did this, I saw just how much suffering and distress they caused. This was a powerful insight and more importantly, it gave rise to strong feelings of self compassion.
And this is the fourth step in befriending the inner judge - developing compassion for ourselves and others. When we realize just how much suffering the inner judge causes us and others, our hearts naturally open. When we see how much distress we inflict on ourselves and others, we can soften and open up. This naturally leads to a desire to alleviate suffering. And in turn, this desire is what gives us to motivation and inspiration to change. Our self-compassion enfolds the inner judge and its harmful core beliefs, so they can release and let go.
What would it be like to befriend your inner judge?
There’s nothing inherently bad or wrong with judging. Indeed, it can be helpful in situations of extreme danger. From an evolutionary point of view, the ability to rapidly size up and evaluate a dangerous situation was definitely an advantage for early human beings. The problem is that this ancient conditioned response in our brains can get activated at inappropriate times.
Given its historical evolutionary advantage, it’s not surprising that the inner judge gets stronger whenever we feel stressed or under pressure. It’s harder to have an open, inquiring and loving mind when we feel afraid, isolated, tired or anxious. Our hearts and minds automatically contract and our focus narrows. The ability to see multiple perspectives diminishes, and we hunker down and just try to get through the situation by making quick, simple judgments.
The inner judge often works by creating dualisms. It establishes a simple standard and then applies it to make people or things good or bad, right or wrong, and so on. This internalized standard may have little or no relevance to what’s actually happening but we can believe that what the inner judge says is true. In this way, the inner judge separates and isolates us from others and from parts of ourselves. Moreover, if we try to get rid of or avoid the inner judge, chances are that it will just get stronger, so perhaps the best thing to do is to make friends with it.
A first step in befriending the inner judge is to recognize when the inner judge is active. And we can do this simply by noticing when there are judgments or strong opinions present in our minds – whether they are about ourselves or others. Judgments always have an emotional charge to them, even if it is small. So that’s one way of noticing them – the way they make us feel and the emotions associated with them.
A second step is to identify what feeds the inner judge. In other words, what creates it and sustains it. And if we look deeply, we’ll find that judgments are usually based on a core belief that we have created in our minds. Core beliefs are usually unconscious, but with practice we can uncover them. So whenever you notice yourself making a judgment, you can ask yourself “what is the core belief behind this judgment?” or “what am I believing about myself or others that leads me to make this judgment?”
A third step is to gently investigate the core beliefs you uncover. You can do this by gently asking yourself “Is this belief really true?” and if you find yourself saying “yes” then ask yourself “How do I know it is really true in all circumstances and at all times?” These are great questions because we can never know that our beliefs are always true.
Another way to investigate core beliefs is to investigate how they make you feel. How do they affect you emotionally and psychologically? How do your beliefs feel in your body? Do they make you happy or sad? Do they open your heart or constrict it? Do they lead to a sense of togetherness and kindness, or to a sense of isolation and separateness? When I did this, I saw just how much suffering and distress they caused. This was a powerful insight and more importantly, it gave rise to strong feelings of self compassion.
And this is the fourth step in befriending the inner judge - developing compassion for ourselves and others. When we realize just how much suffering the inner judge causes us and others, our hearts naturally open. When we see how much distress we inflict on ourselves and others, we can soften and open up. This naturally leads to a desire to alleviate suffering. And in turn, this desire is what gives us to motivation and inspiration to change. Our self-compassion enfolds the inner judge and its harmful core beliefs, so they can release and let go.
What would it be like to befriend your inner judge?