~ Reflection on the Heart of Love ~
“There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.”
George Sand
George Sand
Before reading any further, I invite you to pause and think about someone you love. Imagine them in your mind. What they look like, the sound of their voice, their smile, their laughter. Now consider how they make you feel. You might gently name any thoughts, emotions or sensations that arise as you reflect on this person or being who you love. I bet many of them make you feel good. Even though love can be painful and difficult, it often makes us feel deep-down happy inside. And because of this, love is something that everyone wants. We all want to be loved and to love.
In this reflection, I’d like to share some thoughts on what I consider to be the deepest form of love – what’s often called unconditional love. This type of love has no conditions or boundaries. It is unqualified and unreserved. It does not depend on what the object of one’s love says or does. And it does not depend on being returned in any way or even being recognized. In other words, unconditional love simply is, no matter what happens.
When we experience unconditional love, everything is focused on the act of loving and the object that is loved, so that there is no sense of self left. In contrast, conditional love comes from a sense of self. This is because when we love someone conditionally, we are putting limits on our love. We want them to look, act, talk, and think in ways that fit our expectations. In order to qualify for our affection, we hold the object of our love accountable for meeting our expectations. If they act the way we want them to, we express our love but if they act contrary to our wishes, we withhold our affection and may get angry or frustrated with them instead.
But let’s get back to unconditional love. If unconditional love does not come from a sense of self, where does it comes from?
Unconditional love is our true nature. It is the life force within our very being, so it is always available to us and we don’t need to go looking for it outside ourselves. There is nothing we need to do to qualify for it. It has always been there inside us - formless, infinite, and impersonal.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean that we want to be with everyone or that we always agree with them. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we condone harm or wrong doing. But it does mean that we commit ourselves to expressing kindness and compassion to everyone and everything. And we can do this because we recognize that deep down, we are all connected; we are part of the human family.
In her book True Love, Sharon Salzberg says:
“When I talk about loving everybody, it means recognizing the fundamental interconnectedness of life and how our lives are inextricably interwoven. If we can recognize this essential connection, we won’t need to come from hatred or alienation, even when we don’t like the person. It also doesn’t mean we have to spend time with them, approve of their actions or support them in any way.”
Unconditional love has positive effects on our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing, creating joy, beauty, peace and harmony in the world. The benevolent, compassionate nature of unconditional love flows through us and blesses everyone and everything it touches. When we open our hearts to receiving and expressing the love of the universe, we feel expansive and radiant.
We naturally rise above the limitations of fear. Do you remember Gerry Jampolsky’s 1979 book Love is Letting Go of Fear? In it, he says: “Fear and love can never be experienced at the same time. It is always our choice as to which of these emotions we want. By choosing love more consistently than fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships.”
To me, this is the heart of love.
I’d like to end with a few words from Thich Nhat Hanh: “The more you understand, the more you love. And the more you love, the more you understand. They are two sides of one reality. The mind of love and the mind of understanding are the same.”
Thank you.
In this reflection, I’d like to share some thoughts on what I consider to be the deepest form of love – what’s often called unconditional love. This type of love has no conditions or boundaries. It is unqualified and unreserved. It does not depend on what the object of one’s love says or does. And it does not depend on being returned in any way or even being recognized. In other words, unconditional love simply is, no matter what happens.
When we experience unconditional love, everything is focused on the act of loving and the object that is loved, so that there is no sense of self left. In contrast, conditional love comes from a sense of self. This is because when we love someone conditionally, we are putting limits on our love. We want them to look, act, talk, and think in ways that fit our expectations. In order to qualify for our affection, we hold the object of our love accountable for meeting our expectations. If they act the way we want them to, we express our love but if they act contrary to our wishes, we withhold our affection and may get angry or frustrated with them instead.
But let’s get back to unconditional love. If unconditional love does not come from a sense of self, where does it comes from?
Unconditional love is our true nature. It is the life force within our very being, so it is always available to us and we don’t need to go looking for it outside ourselves. There is nothing we need to do to qualify for it. It has always been there inside us - formless, infinite, and impersonal.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean that we want to be with everyone or that we always agree with them. And it certainly doesn’t mean that we condone harm or wrong doing. But it does mean that we commit ourselves to expressing kindness and compassion to everyone and everything. And we can do this because we recognize that deep down, we are all connected; we are part of the human family.
In her book True Love, Sharon Salzberg says:
“When I talk about loving everybody, it means recognizing the fundamental interconnectedness of life and how our lives are inextricably interwoven. If we can recognize this essential connection, we won’t need to come from hatred or alienation, even when we don’t like the person. It also doesn’t mean we have to spend time with them, approve of their actions or support them in any way.”
Unconditional love has positive effects on our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wellbeing, creating joy, beauty, peace and harmony in the world. The benevolent, compassionate nature of unconditional love flows through us and blesses everyone and everything it touches. When we open our hearts to receiving and expressing the love of the universe, we feel expansive and radiant.
We naturally rise above the limitations of fear. Do you remember Gerry Jampolsky’s 1979 book Love is Letting Go of Fear? In it, he says: “Fear and love can never be experienced at the same time. It is always our choice as to which of these emotions we want. By choosing love more consistently than fear, we can change the nature and quality of our relationships.”
To me, this is the heart of love.
I’d like to end with a few words from Thich Nhat Hanh: “The more you understand, the more you love. And the more you love, the more you understand. They are two sides of one reality. The mind of love and the mind of understanding are the same.”
Thank you.