~ Reflection on Patience ~
“There is no virtuous practice greater than patience;
Therefore, I will never get angry
With those who cause me suffering.
If, because of my own shortcomings,
I do not practice patience with my enemy,
It is not he, but I, who prevents me from practicing patience.”
Shantideva
Therefore, I will never get angry
With those who cause me suffering.
If, because of my own shortcomings,
I do not practice patience with my enemy,
It is not he, but I, who prevents me from practicing patience.”
Shantideva
In Buddhism, patience is an antidote to anger. It’s what we can cultivate when we feel irritated, frustrated, or enraged at other people, ourselves, or life in general. Patience, or khanti, is the sixth of the ten perfections or paramis (the virtues that one has to perfect in order to fully awaken), and it has three main features: forbearance, perseverance, and acceptance.
Forbearance
The first feature of patience is forbearance. This means exercising self-control and gently restraining ourselves from acting out of emotional reactivity. Any time we want life to be different than it is, we are caught in impatience. We lose our sense of warmth, openness and humor, and self-pity, despair, and blame seep into the heart. When we feel like this, forbearance is that quality of saying “I don’t like what’s happening, but I am willing to be with it because I do not want to cause harm.”
For example, you may be the exhausted parent of a child who is having a fit over something you consider to be inconsequential but you show forbearance by not yelling in frustration. Or you may be on the verge of making a brilliant retort to a friend, but you hold off rather than say something hurtful.
Forbearance can feel difficult or contrived because it doesn’t constitute true acceptance of how things are. But it is still a feature of patience because it helps us restrain ourselves long enough to determine the most skillful action for the moment.
Forbearance can also mean not reacting when others harm us with their words or actions. Can we hold back from lashing out in self-defense or anger? As Mahatma Gandhi said: “We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop.”
Perseverance
The second aspect of patience is perseverance - the calm endurance of suffering. Perseverance is the ability to keep on going in spite of obstacles. People who persevere are steadfast, persistent, and resolute.
When we feel impatient, we can realize that we are resisting how things are. Instead, we can learn to persevere with a sense of lightness, curiosity, and humor. We can ask ourselves “What would perseverance look like right now?”
In this way, perseverance is about being in the present moment and not getting caught up in when we will achieve something or when something unpleasant will stop. But this quality is not passive – it’s not about putting up with suffering or pretending that it’s not happening. Rather, it is about accepting what is, doing what we can to alleviate our discomfort, and understanding that we can’t control what happens in life.
I think that perseverance is in short supply in the dominant western culture today. There are so many pressures to do “more, better, faster” that we can lose sight of the advantages of taking the time for perseverance. But just like the tortoise in the story about the tortoise and the hare, if we go slowly and steadily and don’t give up, we can succeed.
Acceptance
A third feature of patience is acceptance – acceptance of all of our experience whether we like it or not. This is possible because our experience is continually changing, so we don’t need to get stuck in how things are now. This acceptance of life ‘just as it is’ requires insight and compassion, which can take a long time to develop. But as they grow, we gain the strength to be present for the long haul, and we are less likely to get caught in being overly insistent, frustrated, or demanding.
By accepting the agreeable and disagreeable aspects of life, we are no longer limited by our longing for things to be different than they are. We have all the time in the world, in the spaciousness of every moment.
There is great strength in patience because it cuts through anger, arrogance and a lack of appreciation. As Tibetan teacher, Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche, says: “Some people feel patience is showing weakness or pessimism. But, actually, patience shows a strength and clarity of mind, which are based on wisdom and compassion. Without proper wisdom and compassion, one cannot practice patience.”
Forbearance
The first feature of patience is forbearance. This means exercising self-control and gently restraining ourselves from acting out of emotional reactivity. Any time we want life to be different than it is, we are caught in impatience. We lose our sense of warmth, openness and humor, and self-pity, despair, and blame seep into the heart. When we feel like this, forbearance is that quality of saying “I don’t like what’s happening, but I am willing to be with it because I do not want to cause harm.”
For example, you may be the exhausted parent of a child who is having a fit over something you consider to be inconsequential but you show forbearance by not yelling in frustration. Or you may be on the verge of making a brilliant retort to a friend, but you hold off rather than say something hurtful.
Forbearance can feel difficult or contrived because it doesn’t constitute true acceptance of how things are. But it is still a feature of patience because it helps us restrain ourselves long enough to determine the most skillful action for the moment.
Forbearance can also mean not reacting when others harm us with their words or actions. Can we hold back from lashing out in self-defense or anger? As Mahatma Gandhi said: “We should meet abuse by forbearance. Human nature is so constituted that if we take absolutely no notice of anger or abuse, the person indulging in it will soon weary of it and stop.”
Perseverance
The second aspect of patience is perseverance - the calm endurance of suffering. Perseverance is the ability to keep on going in spite of obstacles. People who persevere are steadfast, persistent, and resolute.
When we feel impatient, we can realize that we are resisting how things are. Instead, we can learn to persevere with a sense of lightness, curiosity, and humor. We can ask ourselves “What would perseverance look like right now?”
In this way, perseverance is about being in the present moment and not getting caught up in when we will achieve something or when something unpleasant will stop. But this quality is not passive – it’s not about putting up with suffering or pretending that it’s not happening. Rather, it is about accepting what is, doing what we can to alleviate our discomfort, and understanding that we can’t control what happens in life.
I think that perseverance is in short supply in the dominant western culture today. There are so many pressures to do “more, better, faster” that we can lose sight of the advantages of taking the time for perseverance. But just like the tortoise in the story about the tortoise and the hare, if we go slowly and steadily and don’t give up, we can succeed.
Acceptance
A third feature of patience is acceptance – acceptance of all of our experience whether we like it or not. This is possible because our experience is continually changing, so we don’t need to get stuck in how things are now. This acceptance of life ‘just as it is’ requires insight and compassion, which can take a long time to develop. But as they grow, we gain the strength to be present for the long haul, and we are less likely to get caught in being overly insistent, frustrated, or demanding.
By accepting the agreeable and disagreeable aspects of life, we are no longer limited by our longing for things to be different than they are. We have all the time in the world, in the spaciousness of every moment.
There is great strength in patience because it cuts through anger, arrogance and a lack of appreciation. As Tibetan teacher, Khenchen Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche, says: “Some people feel patience is showing weakness or pessimism. But, actually, patience shows a strength and clarity of mind, which are based on wisdom and compassion. Without proper wisdom and compassion, one cannot practice patience.”