~ Universal Friendliness ~
Universal friendliness is one of the four heart practices – the others are compassion, sympathetic joy (taking joy in the lives of others’), and equanimity. Also known as the Brahmaviharas, the Four Divine Abodes and the Four Immeasureables, these core practices help to open the heart and train the mind.
Universal friendliness is traditionally the first of the heart practices and it is often called loving kindness. However, in recent years, some teachers have started using the phrase universal friendliness as a better translation of the original Sanskrit word “metta”. You can also think of it as offering goodwill to others – whether we know them or not and whether we like them or not.
In Buddhism, universal friendliness practice is considered foundational and it was originally taught by the Buddha to his monks. Here’s the story:
One year, some of the Buddha’s monks went to spend the rainy season in a forest, so that they could meditate in a calm and peaceful setting. But the tree spirits inhabiting the forest did not want the monks to stay, so they started to harass them, with the intention of scaring them away. Over time, the monks became very frightened of the spirits and their harassment, and they eventually decided to leave the forest. So they returned to the monastery and told the Buddha what had happened.
In response, the Buddha taught the monks the Metta or Universal Friendliness sutta and advised them to return to the forest, equipped with this sutta for their protection. Some time later, the monks went back to the forest and practiced the instructions the Buddha had given them, offering the tree spirits metta or universal friendliness.
The tree spirits were so moved by the power of the monks’ love that they allowed them to stay and meditate in peace.
So universal friendliness is an antidote to fear and other types of aversion. It’s about wishing happiness and contentment to all beings, without bias or prejudice and without looking for specific outcomes or anything in return.
The starting point for universal friendliness, and the other heart practices, is intention. In other words, you don’t need to actually feel universal friendliness, just have an intention to feel it at some point in the future. This is important because we don't always feel kind to others or to ourselves, but we can always have an intention to do so. In this way, universal friendliness practice reveals all the places in our hearts that are not kind, whether they are places of ill-will or places of disinterest. Indeed, by exposing judgments, biases, or a lack of concern, this practice can be a bit uncomfortable.
Offering universal friendliness to people we don’t know or don’t like can be especially challenging. It’s often easy to be kind and caring towards to our friends and families but how can we possibly be friendly towards everyone? In my experience, we can offer goodwill to people without liking them or knowing them. This is because when we look deeply, we see that other people are just like us.
If we put ourselves in others’ shoes, we see that everyone wants to be happy and healthy, just like us. Everyone has hopes and fears, joys and sorrows, just like us. Everyone gets angry, fearful, frustrated, and confused just like us. And everyone gets sick, old and dies, just like us. We have so much in common with other people that’s not hard to feel some friendliness towards them. By recognizing our shared human experiences, we can see that at a very basic level others are not that different than we are.
So we can feel kindness towards them because we are all in the same boat. This does not mean that you want to spend time with everyone, or agree with them. And it doesn’t mean that you approve of their actions, excuse them or ignore what they have done. But it does mean that you can open up to the possibility of offering them goodwill and friendliness because at a basic level we are all alive and we share so much.
Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg put it this way:
“When I talk about loving everybody, it means recognizing the fundamental interconnectedness of life and how our lives are inextricably interwoven. If we can recognize this essential connection, we won’t need to come from hatred or alienation, even when we don’t like the person. It also doesn’t mean we have to spend time with them, approve of their actions or support them in any way.”
So how do we actually practice universal friendliness?
Traditionally, we offer it to five types of people and beings in turn:
- Ourselves. Or if this is too difficult, you can imagine a benefactor (a kind teacher, counsellor or spiritual guide)
offering you their friendliness and goodwill.
- A dear friend. Someone who you love or care for wholeheartedly and completely.
- A neutral person. You can also think of this person as a familiar stranger. Someone who you might see
regularly but don’t know well, such as a neighbor, the ferry booth attendant, the grocery store clerk, the person
who delivers your mail.
- A difficult person. Someone who you find challenging relationship with. Not your worst enemy, just someone
you find it hard to be with. For example, when I practice kindness towards a difficult person, I often bring to
mind someone I worked with who regularly interrupted me when I was talking.
- All beings everywhere. Those we know and those we don’t know. This can include people, animals, even plants.
Whichever person or being you’re focusing on, evoke the intention of friendliness as strongly as possible. You can do this using several techniques including: Visualizing the person or being you’re directing kindness to and imagining them smiling back at you or being joyful, or generating a felt sense of the person or being you’re directing kindness to.
Another way is to reflect on the person or being. Think about their positive qualities, and the acts of kindness they have done. And you can also reflect on how they are the same as you – they want to be happy, free of suffering and so on, just like you.
Then when you have done this, you can silently repeat 3-4 simple phrases of kindness towards them. You can choose you own phrases but it’s best to keep them very simple so you can remember them. Mine are “may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease, may I feel safe”. Alter the pronoun, as appropriate: “may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease, may you feel safe”.
Offering universal friendliness is not an easy practice because our minds are usually running a narrative that does not include loving thoughts. If this happens, just surround whatever you are thinking or feeling with gentleness and love. And remember that there is no way to do this practice incorrectly. All you need is an intention and a willingness to practice!
Universal friendliness is traditionally the first of the heart practices and it is often called loving kindness. However, in recent years, some teachers have started using the phrase universal friendliness as a better translation of the original Sanskrit word “metta”. You can also think of it as offering goodwill to others – whether we know them or not and whether we like them or not.
In Buddhism, universal friendliness practice is considered foundational and it was originally taught by the Buddha to his monks. Here’s the story:
One year, some of the Buddha’s monks went to spend the rainy season in a forest, so that they could meditate in a calm and peaceful setting. But the tree spirits inhabiting the forest did not want the monks to stay, so they started to harass them, with the intention of scaring them away. Over time, the monks became very frightened of the spirits and their harassment, and they eventually decided to leave the forest. So they returned to the monastery and told the Buddha what had happened.
In response, the Buddha taught the monks the Metta or Universal Friendliness sutta and advised them to return to the forest, equipped with this sutta for their protection. Some time later, the monks went back to the forest and practiced the instructions the Buddha had given them, offering the tree spirits metta or universal friendliness.
The tree spirits were so moved by the power of the monks’ love that they allowed them to stay and meditate in peace.
So universal friendliness is an antidote to fear and other types of aversion. It’s about wishing happiness and contentment to all beings, without bias or prejudice and without looking for specific outcomes or anything in return.
The starting point for universal friendliness, and the other heart practices, is intention. In other words, you don’t need to actually feel universal friendliness, just have an intention to feel it at some point in the future. This is important because we don't always feel kind to others or to ourselves, but we can always have an intention to do so. In this way, universal friendliness practice reveals all the places in our hearts that are not kind, whether they are places of ill-will or places of disinterest. Indeed, by exposing judgments, biases, or a lack of concern, this practice can be a bit uncomfortable.
Offering universal friendliness to people we don’t know or don’t like can be especially challenging. It’s often easy to be kind and caring towards to our friends and families but how can we possibly be friendly towards everyone? In my experience, we can offer goodwill to people without liking them or knowing them. This is because when we look deeply, we see that other people are just like us.
If we put ourselves in others’ shoes, we see that everyone wants to be happy and healthy, just like us. Everyone has hopes and fears, joys and sorrows, just like us. Everyone gets angry, fearful, frustrated, and confused just like us. And everyone gets sick, old and dies, just like us. We have so much in common with other people that’s not hard to feel some friendliness towards them. By recognizing our shared human experiences, we can see that at a very basic level others are not that different than we are.
So we can feel kindness towards them because we are all in the same boat. This does not mean that you want to spend time with everyone, or agree with them. And it doesn’t mean that you approve of their actions, excuse them or ignore what they have done. But it does mean that you can open up to the possibility of offering them goodwill and friendliness because at a basic level we are all alive and we share so much.
Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg put it this way:
“When I talk about loving everybody, it means recognizing the fundamental interconnectedness of life and how our lives are inextricably interwoven. If we can recognize this essential connection, we won’t need to come from hatred or alienation, even when we don’t like the person. It also doesn’t mean we have to spend time with them, approve of their actions or support them in any way.”
So how do we actually practice universal friendliness?
Traditionally, we offer it to five types of people and beings in turn:
- Ourselves. Or if this is too difficult, you can imagine a benefactor (a kind teacher, counsellor or spiritual guide)
offering you their friendliness and goodwill.
- A dear friend. Someone who you love or care for wholeheartedly and completely.
- A neutral person. You can also think of this person as a familiar stranger. Someone who you might see
regularly but don’t know well, such as a neighbor, the ferry booth attendant, the grocery store clerk, the person
who delivers your mail.
- A difficult person. Someone who you find challenging relationship with. Not your worst enemy, just someone
you find it hard to be with. For example, when I practice kindness towards a difficult person, I often bring to
mind someone I worked with who regularly interrupted me when I was talking.
- All beings everywhere. Those we know and those we don’t know. This can include people, animals, even plants.
Whichever person or being you’re focusing on, evoke the intention of friendliness as strongly as possible. You can do this using several techniques including: Visualizing the person or being you’re directing kindness to and imagining them smiling back at you or being joyful, or generating a felt sense of the person or being you’re directing kindness to.
Another way is to reflect on the person or being. Think about their positive qualities, and the acts of kindness they have done. And you can also reflect on how they are the same as you – they want to be happy, free of suffering and so on, just like you.
Then when you have done this, you can silently repeat 3-4 simple phrases of kindness towards them. You can choose you own phrases but it’s best to keep them very simple so you can remember them. Mine are “may I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease, may I feel safe”. Alter the pronoun, as appropriate: “may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease, may you feel safe”.
Offering universal friendliness is not an easy practice because our minds are usually running a narrative that does not include loving thoughts. If this happens, just surround whatever you are thinking or feeling with gentleness and love. And remember that there is no way to do this practice incorrectly. All you need is an intention and a willingness to practice!