~ Reflection on Anger, Frustration, and Rule Books ~
As the post-election situation continues to unfold and some continue to deny the magnitude of the COVID19 pandemic, levels of anger and frustration are running high. It seems as if everyone believes that life should be different from how it actually is.
When we don’t like the way life actually is, we think “it shouldn’t be this way” or “this should not be happening” or "this is wrong". Then we blame those who we judge to be the cause of what we believe to be wrong and make them into misguided, ignorant, careless, bad or evil people. We blame whoever we think is the cause of our anger and frustration.
But let’s take a deeper look at the underlying causes of these emotions. Rather than looking outside ourselves at who to blame, we can look inside at yourself. After all, it’s you that’s experiencing anger and frustration, not the person or people you blame. And even if you are right, is it really worth feeling so angry and frustrated?
We all go through life with our own personal set of ideas about how we think life should be, how we think people should treat us, and how we think they should behave. I sometimes think of this as my personal rule book for the world. Our personal rule books contain our beliefs, expectations, assumptions and values. They contain rules such as “he should ...” or “she shouldn’t do ...” or “it’s wrong when people ...” or “good people ...”. These internalized rules are acquired from a variety of sources, including our family of origin, our religion or faith, our teachers, our experiences in life, and the society we live in.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who have similar rule books because it is more comfortable to be around others who view the world in a similar way, and it reinforces the belief that our own rule book is correct. But when the rules we play by differ from the rules of others around us, it’s easy to get angry and frustrated. If you are trying to play baseball according to its rules with someone who is playing by the rules of soccer, you are likely to end up angry and frustrated very quickly.
Our rule books are so much part of who we are and how we live our life that we aren’t usually aren’t aware of them until we encounter a situation where someone isn’t playing by ours. This is because we believe that our rules are right and that others should do it our way. At the basis of all conflict is the idea that one person believes another person should change.
Moreover, stating that your rules are right makes someone else’s rule book wrong. But our rule books, aren’t always 100% right or wrong. Mostly they reflect our own beliefs, values and preferences. Many people find this a challenging notion to accept, including me. When I see someone not wearing a mask in the grocery store or standing too close or doing anything that breaks my rule book or the rules set up by the government, I feel upset.
So given that we cannot change how others behave, what can we do to calm down and regain some equanimity?
Here are a few thoughts:
I’ll leave you with two final thoughts: The more you believe your rule book, the more you will suffer from anger and frustration, and as some wise person said “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".
When we don’t like the way life actually is, we think “it shouldn’t be this way” or “this should not be happening” or "this is wrong". Then we blame those who we judge to be the cause of what we believe to be wrong and make them into misguided, ignorant, careless, bad or evil people. We blame whoever we think is the cause of our anger and frustration.
But let’s take a deeper look at the underlying causes of these emotions. Rather than looking outside ourselves at who to blame, we can look inside at yourself. After all, it’s you that’s experiencing anger and frustration, not the person or people you blame. And even if you are right, is it really worth feeling so angry and frustrated?
We all go through life with our own personal set of ideas about how we think life should be, how we think people should treat us, and how we think they should behave. I sometimes think of this as my personal rule book for the world. Our personal rule books contain our beliefs, expectations, assumptions and values. They contain rules such as “he should ...” or “she shouldn’t do ...” or “it’s wrong when people ...” or “good people ...”. These internalized rules are acquired from a variety of sources, including our family of origin, our religion or faith, our teachers, our experiences in life, and the society we live in.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who have similar rule books because it is more comfortable to be around others who view the world in a similar way, and it reinforces the belief that our own rule book is correct. But when the rules we play by differ from the rules of others around us, it’s easy to get angry and frustrated. If you are trying to play baseball according to its rules with someone who is playing by the rules of soccer, you are likely to end up angry and frustrated very quickly.
Our rule books are so much part of who we are and how we live our life that we aren’t usually aren’t aware of them until we encounter a situation where someone isn’t playing by ours. This is because we believe that our rules are right and that others should do it our way. At the basis of all conflict is the idea that one person believes another person should change.
Moreover, stating that your rules are right makes someone else’s rule book wrong. But our rule books, aren’t always 100% right or wrong. Mostly they reflect our own beliefs, values and preferences. Many people find this a challenging notion to accept, including me. When I see someone not wearing a mask in the grocery store or standing too close or doing anything that breaks my rule book or the rules set up by the government, I feel upset.
So given that we cannot change how others behave, what can we do to calm down and regain some equanimity?
Here are a few thoughts:
- Take some deep breaths and calm down. Mindful breathing naturally interrupts emotional reactivity and soothes the nervous system.
- If the feelings of anger and frustration are not too overwhelming, try to be with them for a little – even a few seconds. Notice how they feel. Observe where you feel them in your body. Notice what thoughts are connected with anger and frustration. And whether they change over time.
- Remind yourself that these emotions will pass. Anger and frustration are temporary, like all thoughts and emotions. They arise and fall away, unless we get attached to them and believe they are permanent.
- Do something positive. Instead of blaming others, do something you enjoy or do something for someone else. Take a bath. Look at something beautiful. Bake brownies for a friend.
- If you are overwhelmed by feelings of anger and frustration, distract yourself. Go out and dig in the garden, cook dinner, or go for a walk in nature. Take your mind off your anger and frustration.
I’ll leave you with two final thoughts: The more you believe your rule book, the more you will suffer from anger and frustration, and as some wise person said “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".